Wedding fear: Bloody steaks can turn your grandmother into a blood thirsty vampire!

I'm not naming names. But don't order steaks at weddings.

Ok, ok. Here we go, again, no names being mentioned.

I often think people that order that thick cut fillet mignons be a choice for guests at their wedding are simply trying to impress others. Really. Chicken, fish, beef, all that is fine. But intricately cooked steaks? It can lead to problems.

Recently, a wedding ordered steaks. I have to say the kitchen tried their best.. the guests of honor were going to get hot steaks straight off the grill. The bad thing is because dinner service at a wedding has to stick to the confines set already in the contract, you never know with surety how that thick fillet will end up being in the middle. Often times it's red, which I suppose hardcore carnivores believe is the best way to eat meat, but also sometimes it's rare. Bloody rare, to be exact.

A few years ago, a wedding was held where I work.. Steaks, again at that wedding, were the choice meat for guests. The haddock eaters lucked out at that one. That particular wedding featured lots of blood. The amount of blood would have made Charles Manson excited beyond his wildest expectations. The grandmother of the bride at that wedding was in an advanced age of her life, most likely beyond 86. She had bright white hair.. she didn't look 86, though. She sadly looked older. But she did a polka so I think she felt young. Nonetheless, the lights dimmed, she cut into her steak.. and blood poured out. A few servers asked if she wanted it cooked longer, she said no. We gave up. And at the end, the shiny white haired grandmother literally had blood streaming down her face from her mouth, eyes bright in the dim dinner lights. She looked a little like a vampire on the hunt for blood. In this case, there was no reason to hunt, the blood was served to her. Immediately after, a bathroom trip was made.

Hopefully prospective brides and grooms reading thing will take this story to heart. Don't let your grandmother with nice bright white hair become the next blood-thirsty Dracula.. at least not at your wedding.

Read More

One tough crowd: The restaurant worker and senior citizens

Simply an observation: The toughest crowd to wait on would have to be senior citizens.

And God love them! I'll be there one day, too. These folks are older, of course, but also veterans, mothers, fathers, daughters, survivors of history. They saw it all. And they want their food now.

I am not personally singling them out of difficult because of their advanced age, but more so because they use their advanced age as a reason to apparently demand service in a restaurant that no one else demands.

It's got to be said.

It's a group of people loves their butter, their pie and cake, and their coffee, too. They can literally drink one pot of coffee per senior. How do they take their prescription drugs with all of this caffeine? They rarely even ask for decaf!

One particular busy night a few weeks ago, I waited on a table of senior citizens hell bent on getting their breaded stuffed pork chops. Eight women, combined age of the table most likely was about 560 years old, demanded their straight up Manhattans and Martinis, along with a few Jack and Cokes, their breaded fried chops and mashed potatoes smothered in pork gravy, rolls and butter (and of course every time I'd walk by the table they wanted extra butter pads) and finally apple pie. Microwaved hot, scoop of ice cream on the side. All that and about three pots of coffee later, they were set to go. And go they had to! They demanded quick checks. Half of them had to use the bathroom, the other half wanted water so they could take their prescription drugs. All separate checks, by the way. Another demand often set by tables of seniors.

They're a tough crowd. And they go to eat a lot. Buffets, Sunday brunches, Friday night steaks. They judge accordingly. They've been around.

Like I said, I'll be there one day too, God willing I live a long life. And one day, too, I may demand my stuffed pork chops.

I already like coffee and often take aspirins for muscle and chest pains.

I guess I'm halfway senior already.

I want more butter.

Read More